"I can't love you when my heart hurts"

I usually only blog a few times a year. I just blogged last week but I had a special request from my boy. My children know I blog, mostly about them. I'm quite sure they don't like their dirty laundry aired in public but they sort of trust me to keep their stories somewhat confidential in that I try not to identify which of my 12 children I'm referring to at the time; although, if you know our family well enough you can probably guess. I have one I lovingly refer to as my 'raddish'. If you are unfamiliar with the term, it is used to identify children, usually adopted but sometimes not, with attachment issues. Attachment issues = Trust issues. Behavioral issues. Emotional issues. You can google RAD or attachment if you want more info on that. My baby boy and I had another discussion the other day and he informed me that I MUST blog this and, if I don't, he will. Okee Dokee.
As par for the course, my boy had made a few poor choices in his life recently. Usually it goes like this: he does something wrong, I confront, he gets mad/denies/lies/blames others, I ground him, he acts out in passive-aggressive ways, or just aggressive ways, sometimes requiring police assistance or extra therapy sessions or crisis intervention, he blames me, isolates himself, sinks into a depression, I do everything within my power to talk to him, he finally gets out of his mood, he becomes manic and hyper, does something stupid, gets in trouble, and the cycle of up/down continues about every 2 weeks or so. It's exhausting.
So, he did wrong, I found out, he started on that path to depression. I saw it coming. I brought the warning signs to his attention for 2-3 days because he was in denial about his own mood. So, I went into his room on day 3 to have a little chat and asked him what was wrong. "Tired." "No," I said, "It looks like depression. Why are you depressed?" He shared. I assured him he is loved, cherished, and adored ... no matter what he does. He said, "I can't believe you love me that much, even after all I do. You are like a little bird flying to a certain tree all the time and I just keep throwing rocks at you but you keep coming back to that tree. You're like Jesus, always there, even when I hurt you, you just won't go away. It's kind of annoying and sometimes I just want you to go away but, then again, I don't. Even when I push you away, you just keep coming back. No one has ever done that for me before." SCORE!
It was my boy's desire that everyone knows his mom loves him like Jesus loves, or maybe that God loves him, or ... I'm not really sure what his desire was. My love is hardly the same as God's and it took me a LONG time to learn how to love at all having grown up not knowing what love looks like; however, I have discovered what God's love looks like and I try my very best to show that love to my children, knowing they may never have known what love looks like either. I think my boy is starting to see what God's love looks like and I believe, once he can truly accept it, his life will forever change. I pray he does.

Psalm 147:3

I have another son who is pure joy to know. He and I had an argument and he said, "I hate you." I left to do an errand and when I returned he came skipping to the door saying, "Mommy! I love you!" I said, "You love me? An hour ago you hated me."  He said, "I love you." I asked why he said he hated me. He said, "I can't love you when my heart hurts." Very profound words from such a little guy. None of us can love when our hearts hurt. We can only love when we know love and feel love. When our hearts are filled with God's love, a love that never dies, then we can love others. I know this boy knows God's love, even when I'm not a shining example of it, and he's got a good handle on forgiveness, too. I am truly blessed and honored that God can use me as an instrument of His love in the lives of others and has placed these children in my life.