Making Adjustments in Life and Adoption Day

Life is dynamic, always changing, constantly requiring that we adjust to the changes. Some changes we choose. Others are thrown our way. Recent changes in our family life were made by choice. We (my 6 minor children and I) were perusing the photolistings after my children had asked me just how does one find children waiting to be adopted. We happened upon a brother/sister set three of my children had grown up with in their first foster home. The 2 sibling sets were separated after living together for about 4 years. They last saw each other about 4 years ago. That's 8+ years this set had waited in foster care for a forever family. Sad fact.

Today is adoption day and happens to be 2 days before the older sibling's 18th birthday. We celebrated it this weekend at Chuck-E-Cheese's ... a favorite place of ours to celebrate birthdays. Had events not taken shape the way they did, this child would have aged out of foster care without a forever family. I can't even imagine what that might feel like: not to have a consistent parent checking on you to be sure your life is going OK, not to have a family to call upon from college when feeling lonely, not to have family to celebrate holidays and life events with, not to have someone to bum money from or to watch you graduate college, not to have that parent to dance with at your wedding or clean house for you before you bring your new baby home from the hospital, etc.

Adding 2 more personalities to a household with 7 other personalities hasn't been as difficult as I had feared: a small fear stemming from a lack of trust in God, perhaps. My faith in God has grown by leaps and bounds over the years but I guess old earthly habits die hard. The new kiddos just seemed to slide right into a groove and meshed nicely with the others and adjusted to the family routine. I currently have 4 "littles" and 4 "bigs". Sometimes we do activities more geared toward littles, sometimes bigs, but they all have fun wherever we go for the most part. I get compliments on how well-behaved they all are constantly, everywhere we go. They are truly nice people. They are a joy to be with most of the time. I only say 'most of the time' because I do face raddish behaviors at times and they hurt. A. LOT. But they are well-worth the effort and they have diminished over time. Time heals all wounds? Maybe some. Love conquers all? Hardly. It's a lot of work. It has required that I swallow my pride countless times and accept being yelled at, cussed at, disregarded and disrespected in many ways. It has meant forgiving them before they even ask for forgiveness, and sometimes that asking never comes. It has meant accepting the transfer of pain from their heart to mine without taking it personally. In fact, I try to accept it lovingly and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I must keep reminding myself, however, that the pain I feel is only a small effect of the pain they feel, and have felt for a life time, inside so that I can continually choose to accept it in the hopes it will lessen theirs, if even just a little, because they deserve that. That's not to say I always accept it graciously. Sometimes I accept it kicking and screaming, not wanting it, not wanting to feel it and it does require that I set time aside for my own healing afterward.
Another adjustments for us has been being at a sticks and bricks house. When we left the road, I was aggitated. Irritable. Bored being stuck in one spot, not having the freedom to travel. We can't wait to get back on the road, but we have settled into a routine that involves our local home church and, for that, we are so greatful.

I truly believe what is meant to be will be. I believe my children were chosen for me and we fit together so nicely, even with all of our various quirks, issues, and diagnoses. I am honored to have been blessed with the responsibility of raising these children up. I keep reminding myself of that every time they leave their stuff all over the floor. ;-)

Adoption While Traveling

This next adoption will be my 5th adoption in 10 years after having 3 birth children. I adopted a single girl in 2002, had a few foster placements that aged out, then I adopted 3 boys (and here) in 2007, a boy/girl set in 2009, a boy in 2010, and I just visited with another boy/girl set I've been matched with and who will join us this year. It seems each time I try to hit the road FT, I find myself starting another adoption. Coming from a very small family myself, I've always wanted a large one of my own. Some of my friends growing up had large families and I loved the dynamics of their large families. It was never easy, and it was almost always an uphill battle, but I love how my family has come together over the years. We're not perfect, by any means, but I think we're pretty darn awesome.
I get asked many questions about adoption by other FT Moms. To address a few basics: you do need a sticks and bricks house that meets the state requirements in the state you're living in and the children placed in your home usually must attend public school until their adoption is finalized. That usually means 1 year or more in a s&b house. It's getting a little more difficult to adopt as my family grows but there are still a few large-family friendly states willing to place children.
I also tend to adopt older, harder-to-place children from foster care. This means they tend to have trauma in their background resulting in behavioral and/or emotional difficulties and attachment issues or they have life-long disabilities, such as autism, developmental delays, etc. Some, no many, were exposed to drugs/alcohol in utero, resulting in some FAS/FAE stuff going on. Because of these issues and behaviors, I had put off RVing, for fear they'd destroy the RV. Putting a hole in a s&b house wall is easy to fix ... and I teach them all how to fix those types of things if they create them ... but I had no idea how punching an RV wall would affect the RV wall! They aren't made with 2x4s or drywall. So far, I haven't had to fix any but I have had many a slammed doors. The poor door looks well-worn but is getting slammed less and less as my angels find better coping/communication skills.
This year was our "jumping in" year. We hit the road FT, well, tried to, in Jan. until the RV sprung an exhaust leak 3 days before we were set to head out. We left anyway, taking the van & a tent instead and headed for Florida. We traveled that way for a month or more. It got stressful at times. Moody, cranky, tempers got the best of some of us at times so we headed back to NJ to get the RV. It wasn't ready so we started working on s&b renovations to get the house ready to sell but another pending adoption is putting that on hold. I worked on the house for 4-5 months while homeschooling/unschooling the 6 I had at home before heading back out on the road.
How do I homeschool/unschool my family? Well, as this is our first year of homeschooling, I let their interests guide me and I keep the state and national curriculum standards in the back of my mind, just in case. I wanted to start with ancient history and work my way forward but we found some interesting Civil War classes at a museum and started with that. Whatever they ask about, we study. I removed almost all TV watching and video game playing from our daily routine. Because of this, most of them have been honing their artistic skills or improving their musical abilities. I play trumpet, so I can read music. I taught those who were trying to learn new instruments how to read music and off they went learning how to find free music online, free instrumental lessons on youtube and how to write music and lyrics and even how to make money doing it.
Most of my children came to me unable to read and/or write. So, even when they were in public school, I was homeschooling them. I read with them each night. They read, I read, etc. They read, then explained what they read. Public school HW took hours each night because of their lacking skills so I homeschooled them in every subject, as needed, just so they could finish a simple worksheet. Because of what I believe is FAE-related, I have had to teach them language skills continuously. Decoding. Comprehending. Reading fluently. Comprehending. Writing. Comprehending. Speaking. Spelling. Comprehending. That is a life-long process. And they generally DO. NOT. LIKE. IT.
When I do construction around the house, they help. How did I learn it? I read Home Depot "How To" books and watched HDTV. I do ask that they read daily, without fail. Something. Anything. Just read. Now that I have many kids, I can't read with each of them individually anymore but we do read as a family each night. We take turns each reading a page each. I ask them to tell me about things they read or see, I have them write summaries and ask questions. Many questions. Do I have all the answers? Hardly. They look them up. THE. BEST. THING. about homeschooling has been that my children have learned how to learn. They know how to teach themselves about a variety of things. I even make them write a 1-pragraph summary of the lesson at church every Sunday and a 1-paragraph explanation of how that lesson applies to their individual life. As we finish with the construction, we're getting back to more book work. We do have history, math and science textbooks I found at thrift stores, through freecycle, or downloaded free on the Kindles. I do lean toward the Charlotte Mason style of homeschooling but I don't stick to any rigid schedule or curriculum.
NJ has very easy homeschool laws. And homeschoolers can go to college. They don't need a GED but they can get one. They can attend a community college even while in high school then transfer to a university or they can take SATs and apply directly to a university. Colleges accept homeschoolers. The only complaint I've heard from colleges so far is that homeschoolers don't know how to take notes so I do provide opportunities for my children to take notes: at church, lectures, museum seminars, at home while I'm explaining something, ...
We socialize at homeschool group activities. We bowl, attend classes with others, join local homeschool groups, and keep up with online groups. We are very active at our home church but we attend church and youth groups wherever we travel. My children are not lacking in socialization opportunities or social skills, even though some have disabilities known for poor social skills. We are complimented on their excellent behaviors and manners wherever we go. Those problematic behaviors generally only rear their ugly heads in the confines of 'home' and are directed toward 'mom' only. That is the nature of the attachment disordered beast but we do work on those behaviors so they don't carry dysfunction to their future families. Coming from some family dysfunction myself, and having an undiagnosed disability of my own, I know how important it is to help these young people learn from my mistakes and the mistakes of their first families. I truly feel my calling is working with these young people entrusted to me.
We've been on the road a month this time out. We even had the 2 new kids for the weekend = 8 kids and a mom in a 26' Class C RV. LOL. Definitely can't wait to finish the renovations inside the RV to accommodate everyone and I can't wait to go to Ikea to search for storage solutions that will work well. I REALLY can't wait to rip out the PINK rug in here and put in a durable, hand washable flooring! Since I must send the new kiddos to public school (ugh) I will work on these renovations during that time so it will be ready to travel by the next FTF Rally!
As I sit here tonight writing from the "Walmart Wilderness" while my children, ages 10-16, all sleep around me, feeling blessed beyond explanation, I'm finally catching up on weeks of no Internet and sketchy cell phone service, designing in my mind's the best storage solutions to add 2 more kiddos and their belongings into this 200 sq ft space I love to call 'home'.

The Scoop on Baltimore, MD

We have visited Baltimore, MD several times. Never before did I know about free transportation! If you park at Fort McHenry, you park for free. Even RVs. Just outside the gates, you can catch a free bus that travels around town. We didn't learn this, of course, until AFTER we visited there several times but I wanted to share the knowledge.
We went up in the "Top of the World" World Trade Center. Awesome views. We visited the Edgar Allen Poe House (there is free parking there, too, but you must walk a ways to the bus stop) and the Poe Family Grave site. Contrary to the Poe House (only open certain days of the week for limited hours, call ahead) director's advice, you CAN walk to the grave from the house and you can ctch the bus near the grave. We have visited the Inner Harbor where we splashed in the fountains on a hot day, toured the ship, aquarium, and several museums. We toured Federal Hill and Fort McHenry and, of course, completed the junior ranger book.
Six Flags isn't too far so we splashed at the water park then went on some rollercoasters in the evening. Washington, DC isn't all that far either.
We usually stay overnight at the Walmart near Greenbelt Park, since quiet hours at the park prohibit the use of my noisy generator but there is a huge park, skatepark and shopping area close to Greenbelt and we do go in Greenbelt for $16 to shower, dump, and fill with water, as needed. There are no hook-ups there.

Second FTF Rally

OK, so every time I try to head out on the road, something happens to delay it. Our first planned long-term road trip ended much sooner than planned. First, the RV sprung an exhaust leak 2 days before we were due to leave, causing us to live in the van and a tent for what turned out to be a month, as that was all the kids could stand before turning into something from a zombie movie. Our "around the country" road trip turned into a "to the Keys and back" trip, but what we did see and experience was pretty great.  Second, we had some regression of behaviors in several children ... luckily not all at the same time. Third, I allowed myself to feel alienated from the people I had planned to meet on the road due to children's said behaviors. And last, there were 2 issues with the sticks and bricks house we left behind: the water heater broke and flooded the basement then a pipe in the upstairs bathroom caused a rain shower in the kitchen. My adult son took care of the water heater and I took care of the rest when I got back ... by totally gutting the upstairs bathroom, kitchen, laundry room, and half bath downstairs. Four months worth of construction later and it's almost finished! Ahhhhh.

In the meantime, I dared to attend another RV rally. I even purchased a Thousand Trails membership, in anticipation of the traveling we plan to do. I'm happy to say, we had a blast. No RV problems. No behavior problems, except for a few "argument seeking" words at bedtime. No house problems. I was able to enjoy myself, have fun with my children, and meet new people. Some awesome people. Of course, I had prepped the kiddos for months in order to avoid the same problems we had at the last rally. We were even ON TIME! Unusual for us. We barely made it to the kick-off because the RV park maintenance guy was quite the talker. I guess he could see I was a newbie. He had many tips for us. We enjoyed participating in all the family activities with other families and spent much time enjoying the pool and water park. We now are VERY motivated to get back on the road as quickly as possible.
My greatest moment: When my little raddish snuggled with me one morning (after the "argument seeking" words he threw at me the night before), apologized, then looked at me and said, "Moms are like God; when you do the wrong thing, then apologize, you're always forgiven." I am so blessed and thankful for much progress in these healing hearts.

One More Step Toward My Life Dream

I did it. I took the plunge. I pulled all 6 kiddos out of public school (2 last spring, 1 this fall, and 3 this winter) and started homeschooling them  all. I've always dreamed of homeschooling my children and traveling around the USA. As a single working mother, it was never possible to stay home and homeschool before. I admit, I was very nervous pulling the high schoolers out, knowing they can't go back unless we 'prescribe' to the 9th grade curriculum and show proof of same. I do not homeschool using any particular curriculum that mimics what their peers are doing in the public school and I refuse to pay for a tracking program. For the most part, I homeschool and unschool, if you want to separate the two. It seems many people think of homeschooling as public schooling at home. OK. I do teach reading, writing, math, history, geography, and science at home that way. I do use textbooks, worksheets, and websites at times. I teach mostly reading, writing and math this way, actually. I did not purchase any particular curriculum. I was blessed enough to find a variety of middle and high school level textbooks on freecycle and in thrift stores. (I absolutely love Camden County Freecycle, by the way.) I started with the basics at each of their functioning levels and moved on from there. Most of my children have learning difficulties, so they do not work at the prescribed grade level for their age. Since I adopted all of my current children, all of them came with some sort of learning barrier; however, some of them are no longer behind their peers, as I was homeschooling them nights, weekends, and even throughout the summer when they were in public school to compensate for their past deficiencies. For most subjects, though, there is no textbook. I am guided by each child's individual interests and we springboard into discussions and research topics and we use daily life circumstances as learning opportunities. I admit, I was terrified and felt quite inadequate and insecure about my ability to prepare them for the future, even though I taught middle school and high school for 10 years.
Now that I have taken the dive, I must say I'm quite pleased. First of all, I just like having my kiddos home all day, every day. Since they have been adopted at an older age, I missed out on much of their lives and I love having the ability to make up some of that time now. Second, I no longer have to deal with making sure my children have the 'right' shoes or clothes to 'fit in'. That thrills me to no end and I'm sure they feel better not being teased.  Third, I love that my kiddos are self-motivated to learn and are developing the skills to do that.  I do not tell them what to learn many days. Some days I just require that they learn something new. I do require that they each read every day. Many days I give them math to do and I have been teaching them Spanish and a little American Sign Language as I teach my youngest two their days of the week, months of the year, counting, etc. They are all Hispanic, I figured they should know some Spanish. One has verbal processing issues so the sign language helps with his processing speed. Otherwise, they choose their topic of interest. One of my boys has an intense focus on music and taught himself how to read music, play keyboard, and compose music on a synthsizer. Now he is learning to play guitar. One loves sports, so we incorporate anything sports-related into reading, writing or math lessons. One loves animals and shopping. It is so easy for me to use those in a variety of lessons. The littles don't really have intense interests, yet. I love that they are all learning to observe things, ask questions about what they observe, then search for the answers. They do this almost completely on their own. Some days they read a lot of books. Some days they do a lot of research online. Some days we are out and about learning stuff in the community. I love my RV. I love traveling in it. Traveling in my RV full-time sometimes conflicts with adopting children from foster care so I do have to have a sticks and bricks house as a home base, at least until I'm done adopting.

We were due to hit the road Jan. 12, 2012. The weekend before, my exhaust system broke and my gas mileage went from 7mpg to 4mpg. I had to leave it in the shop for repairs but I was determined to head out. So we did ... in the minivan. Seven people, some with mood issues already, living out of a minivan can make some people quite cranky but we made the best of it. We got to meet some online friends face-to-face. That was an awesome experience. I'm so glad we were able to do that. We attended an RV rally for Full-time RV families and met other families who live on the road. I was relieved to learn that feeling exhausted all the time, every day, is normal when you start living on the road. We also met these families on a homeschool trip to Legoland where we built race cars and raced them and the older boys learned how to program robots. That was very cool. We decided, since we were in Florida, we might as well start at the very bottom and make our way northward back to NJ seeing everything we could see. So, we headed to Key West. We enjoyed the Keys, the sunset party, the beaches (minus the sand fleas that infested the minivan to the point that we had to flea bomb it), the glass bottom boat tour of the coral reefs, the self-guided tour at Bahia Honda State Park and we thoroughly enjoyed the all-you-can-eat seafood buffet. We did sample new foods we've never had before. Yummy.
From the Keys, we stopped in the Everglades. We completed the junior ranger programs for all 3 National Parks there, camped there, hiked and took many ranger-led tours. One memorable time was when my youngest (9) dropped her pencil into the alligator-filled lake and had a meltdown, demanding someone retrieve it for her. In a previous blog post I wondered how I would handle a meltdown or a runner on the road. I got to try that on for size. I did not like it. The meltdown was horrid. Quite embarassing. The runner ran but thankfully not far away. We were in a campground with a tent. He left the tent, snuck out, of our campsite even, while the rest of us were still sleeping. (House Rule #1: No one gets up until Mom does. House Rule #2: Running away is defined as leaving our property without permission and the nonrunners are rewarded with going out for ice cream.) He was with neighboring RVers but off 'our property' so the rest of us did go out for a treat and he missed out on some teen event later on. There weren't any other significant events, thank God. We visited Myakka State Park, too. Very nice. In addition, we visited many Florida beaches, collecting various shells and shark teeth, and cities. We went to Universal Studios and Island of Adventure and had a fantastic time. Our favorites include the Harry Potter section and the Simpsons and MIB rides but all of the rides were great fun and well worth the entrance cost. We also got to experience the Mardi Gras parade and the B-52s concert. We left Florida after Orlando to get the RV because the crankiness was beginning to increase in several teenagers but we did stop at Congaree National Park, SC, to do more junior ranger work, Myrtle Beach, and Greenbelt Park in MD (one of our favorite areas to travel to and where we stay every time we visit Six Flags America, Baltimore or Washington, DC) on our way home. Even though I was so excited about the gas mileage when we first started out, I don't think traveling in the minivan saved us any money because I probably spent the gas savings on fast food and campsites.
When all was said and done, we had a great time in between cranky moments and one of my kiddos, the moody runner, just may have made a break through in his healing process. It has been almost 2 weeks and he is still 'different' somehow. Two weeks is a record for him. Shoot, one week was a record. If he truly is not 'faking' his way through it, then I also am very thankful for that. Not for me. For him. I love him beyond measure, even with all the negative behaviors he has gotten so used to using. We learned so much science and history, among other things, on this trip. We can't wait until the RV is finished so we can head out again. In the meantime, I started some home improvement projects and have started preparing for my next adoption.