A Little About Who I Am

I grew up in a single-parent home with my brother. I grew up believing I was pretty worthless. Unlovable. Defective in some way. I always felt like the black sheep of the family. What did I base my beliefs on? In my perception, my mother hated me and, therefore, the world must also hate me. How did I know my mother hated me? She didn't pay much attention to me. She told me children should be seen but not heard and that I should only speak when I'm spoken to. OK, but I was rarely spoken to. When I wanted to play with her, she said she was 'too old to play.' When I played alone and brought my doll babies to see their grandma and kiss her good-night, she said, 'I don't kiss inanimate objects.' (She didn't kiss her living children, either, so I'm not sure why I thought she'd kiss my 'babies'.) There was little affection. She did allow me to hug her good-night but when I was about 10-12 years old I decided I wasn't going to bother with it since it was always one-sided anyway. When she had absolutely no reaction to the fact that I said "good night" without giving her a hug, that pretty much solidified in my mind her feelings toward me and about our relationship. She often was downright mean. Once, I couldn't find my shoes. I looked and looked for them. Turns out they were under the sofa where she was sitting, behind her feet. She put me over her knee and spanked my bare bottom for being too stupid to find my shoes. I thought it was pretty unfair of her to sit in front of them and expect me to see them. I avoided being close to her like the plague.

He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By His wounds you have been healed. 1 Peter 2:24
But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

There was very little communication in my family. When my mother had "The Talk" with me, she threw my dirty laundry into my room and said, "I think you need to start wearing a pad" and later, when I started dating someone at age 18 she barely turned from washing the dishes when she said, "I think you should go on the pill." =/ If it weren't for health class in school, I wouldn't have even known what a pad or pill was! I certainly wasn't thinking about having sex. I grew up in Catholic schools. I was warned about premarital sex and tried my best to live according to the Law but I felt that was my mother's way of giving me permission to have premarital sex. So, I did. Three children later, ... I could go on and on but, basically, my immature, self-centered brain deduced from all of these clues that I was worthless. But I want everyone to know that every negative thing you've believed about yourself comes from mental processing done by an immature, self-centered little human being and it's INCORRECT so you must change your thinking. Read about who God says you are.

Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. Romans 10:9-10
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17
But to all who have received Him, those who believe in His name, He has given the right to become God's children. John 1:12

My mother was not a Christian. We were baptized Methodist, although I had no idea why. I know we attended church service on Easter Sundays early on because we have pictures of me in my Easter bonnet. I don't even know where we attended but that stopped somewhere along the way. I later learned why my mother was so against Catholicism, and organized religion, and God. Apparently, she got herself hypnotized and discovered she was abandoned by her parents in a former life, was raised by Catholic nuns in a convent, and was abused there. =/

Do not turn to mediums or seek out spiritists, for you will be defiled by them. I am the Lord your God. Leviticus 19:31
Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world. 1 John 4:1

When I started elementary school, I learned about God. I took religion class but never participated in the sacraments since my mother refused to allow it. I had no idea, then, why I attended a Catholic school but wasn't allowed to become Catholic and participate in the sacraments. So, yet again, I felt like the oddball. An outcast. I did yearn to know more about God. I felt a longing to know Him. I sought Him out. I read the bible diligently. I didn't understand much of it at all and it seemed like a lot of history and genealogy. I hated history. I felt alone much of the time but I knew God was with me. I knew He was trying to communicate with me. I wasn't very good at human relationships, which I believe was due to my undiagnosed autistic-spectrum disorder, and this elusive one with God was almost impossible to figure out. If things aren't spelled out for me, I wasn't going to be able to figure it out on my own unless I've experienced it before. New situations = a clean slate, a blank mind, I come up with nothing. One thing I did know was God existed at some time in the past and sent Jesus here to save us and He will come again someday and I yearned to know of Him. Not know Him. Just know OF Him. I had no idea I could KNOW Him, like now, like every day. If only someone had told me just that plainly.

But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul. Deuteronomy 4:29
The Lord looks down from heaven on all mankind to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God. Psalm 14:2

As a single mother of 3, I went to college. I loved being a mother but hated being poor. I struggled and worked hard. Learning had always come easy for me. It was the one thing I felt I had going for me when I saw nothing else worthwhile in me, nothing else to offer the world. One day, as I was studying cells in biology lab, it occurred to me just how intricate and organized cells are. In high school, I learned about organelle transport and wondered just how everything knew where to go. I later learned that there is an invisible, even under a light microscope, railway system in the cell's cytoplasm and some sort of communication that goes on among cell parts by which new parts know where to go, imports know where to go, exports know where to go, ... I remember thinking that there MUST be a God to organize all that we couldn't even see (the microscopic and the cosmic) and it was the spark that got me seeking Him again. I did attend church service while in college. I don't remember getting a lot out of it except learning the "history" of God. God was still something of the past and the future, not now. Life kept getting in the way and I continued to fall away from seeking knowledge of Him.

The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims His handiwork. Psalm 19:1
Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for You created all things, and by Your will they existed and were created. Revelation 4:11

Fast-forward. I'm 50 years old, so there are a lot of stories I could tell about myself but the message I feel led to share lately is this: You are not worthless. You are not a waste of human flesh. You are not unwanted, undesirable, or unlovable. I refused to believe that about myself my whole life, although I struggled with it a lot, and is one reason I mentored at-risk students in the schools where I taught and why I adopt hard-to-place children from foster care. I didn't understand why I wasn't worthless when every sign in my life pointed to the fact that I was but I knew there was a God who wouldn't make worthless things, even if I believed He was a past and future entity. My hope is that others won't grow 50 years into their lives struggling with worthlessness and depression. There was a popular saying when I was younger that said:

I clung to this for a very long time, every time I started to feel worthless or unlovable, and it was the only belief that saved me from the depths of depression. I did fall. A lot. At one point, I stopped getting out of bed, barely taking care of the two babies I had at the time. (Ah, but I gained some understanding of my mother's plight.) People told me to, "Be happy. Just be happy. Choose to be happy." I thought to myself, "How can I be happy when everyone treats me so badly? Like I don't matter?"

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

I spent my life seeking my mother's approval and the approval of others. I built my self-worth on other's opinions of me. I've learned that that only leads to disappointment.

Above all else guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23
No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. Matthew 6:24
For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 6:12
Be sober-minded, be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

Now, I spend my time seeking to know God and His will for my life through Jesus Christ. Once I sought to know Him, I prayed and prayed that He'd help me FEEL loved, not just know that I am, but actually feel it in my heart so I could pass that love on to others because, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get there. I was sobbing and praying, begging Him to show me. He did. In a dream, the Holy Spirit came to me and asked me to open a closet. I did but closed the door quickly. The closet was filled with water and I feared I'd drown. He assured me I had nothing to fear so I opened the closet door again. The water started entering my body. I got scared again and feared I'd drown. I even sat up in my bed, or so I thought, but He led me back down and kept reassuring me. The closet was emptied of the water and I thought to myself, "See, even God can't help me. No one can fill my bottomless pit; the hole in my heart is too great." But, that closet filled back up with more water and, again, it filled my body. This time, it filled my heart to overflowing. I FELT it. I felt the love. I woke up with a heavy heart. It was actually kind of scary. I feared I'd have a heart attack! But I was happy. I went about my day, and many days that followed, in the best mood. I didn't have a care in  the world. My children thought I was nuts. i yelled about nothing. I got upset about nothing. It was pretty awesome. He loves me. He saved me. He healed me. He leads me daily. I never saw myself as a bible-thumping Jesus freak but I am so blessed to be that now and will be forever grateful.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7
Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2
I love those who love Me, and those who seek Me diligently find Me. Proverbs 8:17
Peace I leave you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.  John 16:33
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

People have said to me, "Remember God's promises." I'd think to myself, What promises?" Other than the rainbow and the promise to never flood the whole Earth again, I knew of no promises. I wish I had, which is why I feel it's so important to make sure my children know them. There are three things I feel are most important for my children to know: that they are loved immensely, that they are wonderfully made for a purpose, and to seek Jesus in all things, every day, intimately.

In His name the nations will put their hope. Matthew 12:21
The Lord is not slow to fulfill His promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. 2 Peter 3:9
And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6

You also can read my son's testimony: Richard
"Return to your home, and declare how much God has done for you." And he went away proclaiming throughout the whole city how much Jesus had done for him. Luke 8:39
Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what He has done for my soul. Psalm 66:16

Back to "Who We Are"